Confronting The Violent Inner-Spring & Cultivating a Perennial Movement
Just a few short weeks ago, despite decades of activism, I still hesitated often in the work of racial justice, in part because I was afraid of getting it wrong, afraid of being “called out",” afraid to be disliked.
Perfectionism is a clever, debilitating strategy of the patriarchy. It took making a huge mistake, and wading through the shame spiral and lessons of it, to finally get me to commit to ditching the perfectionism, the shame, the avoidance, the defensiveness— the violence of white supremacy moving through me— once and for all, no matter how long it takes. Read: a lifelong endeavor.
Even for those of us who’ve been awakened for some time, truly epic new levels of awareness, awakening, unraveling, dismemberment and dissolution are being activated.
I speak directly, and reverently, to my BIPOC readers, in vowing to stand with you for life in this work. Bombilore as an organization will be deepening into consistent, Black-led action.
In the early weeks since George Floyd’s death, as I listened and listened some more, I approached this renewed commitment— this next-level dissolution— quite violently, through shame. It took several weeks of allowing shame to have its way with me before I was able to actually get to the heart of the matter so I could begin to act more authentically…
Shame and violence will not be the tools that ultimately dismantle white supremacy, but they’ve been a potent and important potion for mass-awakening. So, how am I going to walk with shame and violence, within and without, in on-going conversation, without the spiraling that leads to inaction? How will I show up from, through, and with Love?
photo cred: nepascene.com
I had a revelation about shame the other day. I was thinking about how shame is a patriarchal concept. I was thinking about how shame is a key tool of white supremacy. It’s been painstakingly built into both the brazen violence of overt racism as well as the deeply sociopathic violence of covert racism. It’s built into sexism, ageism, classism. It’s built deeply into the erasure of Indigenous lives and cultures. It’s built into the inner-experience of the oppressor to keep us (white folks) oppressing.
Self-hatred, and therefore “other”-hatred, is the pinnacle weapon of white supremacy.
As I was mulling this over, the “devil’s advocate” within me argued: but even in our more ancient, matrifocal, earth-based, tribal cultures, surely shaming was a part of cultural norms.
Nay, there is a crystal clear difference and it is this: Shame in the patriarchal culture is a tool used to keep you believing that you don’t belong (thereby making it much easier to reject those different from you who remind you of your own desperate alienation, or to walk away from the work that calls out to you because you have absolutely no idea of self-worth).
In a healthy, community-based culture, in a connected culture where the feminine is not repressed, it’s (unsurprisingly) the exact opposite: Shame shows up to remind you that you belong to a cohesive whole, and that the whole suffers when you don’t show up and do your part.
Earth-based “shame” might better be called a guilt-ritual that teaches that this forgetting that you belong is the worst, most harmful thing you can do to yourself, the planet & your people. A ritual-guilting calls you into accountability while simultaneously calling you home to your sense of self-worth.*
Here was my big mistake:
I saw a video of a young Black girl marching and screaming, ”No justice; no peace.” I was moved by her energy in an entirely wrong and even abusive way. I was caught up in the moment and my privilege clouded my true self; my wisdom & compassion was co-opted by white-woman bombastics.
I reposted it, with the caption “YES.” Within hours, it dawned on me, watching my white son play, that this was absolutely terrible. No child should have to carry such feelings, should have to be a veritable adult in an unsafe, unjust culture filled with patho-adolescent and/or terrorizing white “grown-ups.” I know this. I’ve stood up against the adultification of Black youth before, and yet here I was: swimming in a mighty mistake.
And this harmful mistake was corroborated as that post went viral and many Black leaders, especially Black mothers, called attention to the absolute wrongness of this child’s activism having to exist, not to mention be aggrandized and politicized.
THIS. This is the mistake that I made. I’ve built a business around dismantling the patriarchy. I’ve dedicated my life to personal & cultural healing, initiation and reunion with the imaginal (childlike innocence!). I’m on a Mother’s Council, dedicated to mother-activism! I have graduate-level training in intercultural sensitivity, anti-racism, social justice & embodied leadership…
We can do all the things and still be left standing with nothing but our flat-out failures, cascading from our hands as invitations to deepen, open, dissolve, and make change by inviting in the ego-death we so long for and yet keep hiding from. Palms out and open, there’s a reason that Gandhi said we must be the change.
The revelation here is that those of us white folks who have been activists for a long time indeed still have so much un-learning and remembering to do. It also shows that for white folks who are brand new to anti-racism work, you needn’t worry that you will make mistakes. You can expect it. White folks will face inner chaos, overwhelm, identity disintegration and soulful initiation. Personal integration will come alongside, not ahead of, massive cultural, political and psychospiritual change.
All of this got me thinking again about the Seasons; the timeless goddess-dance of circularity available to us all as wisdom-keeper, pace-setter, wise-mentor. Especially amidst a pandemic, this movement is going to be a long Spring for our culture, indeed for the entirety of humanity. Spring carries the energy of chaos, boundaries, vulnerability, gentle cleansing rain and flooding alike. Spring gifts us with the challenges of adaptability, prolific growth, anger, fierce leadership, warrior-energy and intense creativity— the Muse is LOUD in Spring.
Whether we step into the yet-unknown, ever-evolving new dream of the planet as the oppressed or as the oppressor, understanding the Seasonality of our personal journey and the collective’s will nurture, test and restore us.
There is much talk about whether this will be a moment or a movement. Can you imagine this not being a movement? We cannot let that happen.
I believe that it is the loss of the circular, feminine cycles of life, death and regeneration that have so many white folks running in reactive, performative circles (paradoxically) in our activist work. Especially when it comes to racial justice, we have been provided ample opportunity to conveniently forget inside an intensely masculine, largely segregated, linear cultural norm. Add to that saviorism, and we allow ourselves to get tired out with all the doing without ever having truly attempted a wild unraveling of our way-of-being.
White people set down or never even explore the unique medicine we carry, feeling unworthy of it, distracted, numb, and go back to “business as usual.” We cannot do this anymore.
We have an autocratic take-over well underway, with a sociopath declaring to rightful protesters outside of his upcoming white supremacist rally, “Any protestors, anarchists, agitators, looters or lowlifes who are going to Oklahoma please understand, you will not be treated like you have been in New York, Seattle or Minneapolis… It will be a much different scene.” Take that in, as a statement made about the Black Lives Matter movement on the very day of JUNETEENTH, the historical day when slavery was finally ended in every state.
The way for this to be the movement that it must be, the way for Black Lives to Matter all day everyday, is to first and foremost listen to our Black sisters, brothers, trans, queer and non-binary siblings and follow their lead. We also have to restore the wisdom of our true inheritance, which is circular, cyclic, restorative, natural, feminist, enduring, and life-sustaining at its core. The centripetal force of our actions (the linear) gain momentum only so far as we can occupy an everlasting still center from which to observe our inner cycles and the cycles of the greater community (the circular), and act accordingly.
This is a spiral dance, not a line dance.
The great spiral awaits our remembering.
In this long Springtime that lay out before us with incredible potential, we must commit to cycling through all the seasons within. Trust & pay close attention to these seasons, and honor yourself so that you can be an on-going conspiratrix in the liberation of self, people & planet. It can be helpful to ask yourself: what season moves through me today?
Am I in need of (receiving/initiating) some SUMMERY community care/conversation? Am I tending the garden of my shame and discomfort, pulling weeds and planting anti-racist seeds? Am I allowing myself to be seen and loved? Am I able to self-express while listening deeply?
Am I hearing the whispers of the AUTUMNAL ancestors, calling me to sit with them for intergenerational accountability and/or healing? Am I deep in Autumn's grief-storm? Where is my self-worth at? What offerings can I make to Mystery, so that I can be supported from beyond the veil in the journey to dismantle the patriarchy?
Does WINTER’s stillness and integration call out to me now? Am I in need of rest & re-sourcing? How can I provide resources to others? What am I afraid of? Am I frozen? Flooded? Incubating? Can I sort through the mass of information and ideas and make my own, soul-rooted choices?
Is the SPRING energy of action! calling me to take practical, meaningful steps to co-create the world I dream to live in? Or am I feel stuck in the mud of inaction? Am I able to metabolize anger into growth-force energy? Am I learning how to be anew, not just what to do?
Is it time to share my own, privileged HARVEST in big, authentic new ways? Or, do I need to allow myself to receive abundance into my life from new and unexpected sources? Can I mother/nurture/nourish myself or find a genuine hearth-space that is mutually nourishing? What do I need most? How can I become more empathic towards myself and others, without losing the accountability that any Great Mother teaches her child?
As ever, the Seasons of our lives offer up their wisdom through challenges and gifts, which are always one in-the-same. Just as Nature’s seasons outside are not hard-and-fast shifts, we also will move into new seasons-of-being sometimes imperceptibly, sometimes quite harshly. Trust and flow with the seasons within you. The overarching Spring is here to stay, but Summer always comes, Harvest always comes, cool Autumn cool will blow again…
The seasons overlap and dance together, but they do follow a pattern, a Divine rhythm that must be loved and welcomed. That is how movement is made~ and that is how this movement will endure.
ways to stay engaged
As a way to find my own, good rhythm in weekly action, I made this PEACE meme… These are the 5 ways most talked about in terms of how we do anti-racist work, reflected below. I was lucky (and crafty) enough to fit them into a backbone of PEACE, which is my reminder of the energy I want to bring. I may not take part in all 5 every week, but I have a reminder in my phone on Mondays to check in with Black leadership, and another reminder on Fridays to see what’s been done. Fridays are a good time to check in with my psychospiritual state as well.
BIPOC are not monolithic ; this acronym represents a vast and incomprehensibly beautiful mosaic of beliefs, backgrounds, ethnicity, likes/dislikes, approaches, education, creativity and ways of loving. I honor the delicate balance of showing uop and following the lead of BIPOC while also dropping in with my own truth, and finding ways to act that are aligned with my gifts and which, however uncomfrtable, nevertheless feel authentic.
Below that are a few more resources. Onwards into a shining, life-affirming future…
